i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
