If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
