i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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