I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
