How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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