i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
