If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
