I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
