I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
