is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
