Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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