we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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