Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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