So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
