i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
