Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
