watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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