So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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