You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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