I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
