Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
