i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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