i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
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Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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