anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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