trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
