One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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