Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
