I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
