Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I could fuck to npr.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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