I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
