She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
