My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
