I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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