my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
