happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
