Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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