If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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