dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
