I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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