You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
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I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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