you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
