i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
