I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
