I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
