you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
