ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
