Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
