I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
