Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
