Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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