Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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