Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
