im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's never too late to be topless.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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