The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
