She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
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Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
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He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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